Being a mom is the most incredible thing ever.
It is most definitely the greatest love I have ever felt. But it is also the hardest thing I have ever attempted.
I’m not just talking about hard in the little day to day aspects, like food and toy messes 24/7, whining, and having to literally sit on my child to brush his teeth (first world problems, I know). That stuff isn’t really a big deal.
The hardest thing about being a mom revolves around guilt.
I am a single mom and I work from home. I constantly wonder, “Am I working too much? Am I spending enough quality time with my son? Am I feeding him the right foods? Am I giving him the best life I possibly can?”
If you are a parent, I’m sure you relate. We all want what’s best for our kids and we beat ourselves up way too often. After all, we’re doing the best we can. Or, are we?
I have always struggled with doing things for myself.
I find a lot of joy in helping people and doing things for others… so much that I have in the past let it tip the scales so out of balance that I would completely neglect myself and withdraw from my own emotions. This constant doing for others was also a way I would run away from myself and those icky feelings that I didn’t want to deal with. Eventually I wound up a pill popping, addicted mess and the only way out was to make a radical change.
That’s when I packed two suitcases and left Seattle to decompress for six months in Costa Rica… the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.
Not only did I become a mother as a result of this decision, but I began to truly notice the feelings of guilt, shame, and fear that had built up in my soul over the years. As my awareness grew, so did my desire to learn more. It was time to start working through this shit.
When my dear friend Brent (Soul Guru) told me about ISTA over a year ago, I remember thinking, “Wow, that sounds amazing. I would love to do that… but there is no way in hell I could leave my toddler and go take a trip to Peru.”
As time passed, I started thinking about this more… I noticed how much guilt I felt at the mere THOUGHT of leaving Julian for a couple weeks. More time passed, and I got to a point recently (around the first of the year) where my inner voice was speaking to me loud and clear. I realized I needed to take this trip. I needed to do it for myself. I needed to trust my inner voice and what the Universe was saying to me.
“Go. Go. Go. Be free.”
I realized the transformational journey involved in this trip is going to open my heart, help me live more authentically, and help me connect with my highest self, and as a result I will be a better mother to my son. This is me putting myself first. As strong as I feel the guilt knocking at the door, I will not let it in. This trip represents my ultimate expression of self love.
Guilt is a mother fucker.
It just seems to creep in from out of no where and ruin a perfectly perfect situation. It has no respect for the present moment and absolutely no consideration for our feelings.
It’s time to release this. I am giving myself permission to explore the deepest, darkest, depths of my soul at ISTA and release years of built up guilt, shame and fear that are holding me back from living 100% authentically.
A lot of the work has already been done, and this is the next chapter.
After the ISTA Level One training, Brent and I are going to hike Macchu Picchu and let all of our self work process as we walk upon sacred land.
It is my pleasure to share with you my intention for this Peru trip, taking place in March:
1. ISTA: To work through years of built up guilt, shame, fear, and release it. To cultivate a deeper level of intimacy with myself and my sexuality so that I can live from a place of true authenticity and fully step into my power. As a result of creating new space in my body, I invite my own personal yoga philosophy to emerge. With an open heart, I invite deeper levels of friendship to come into my life. I allow my career to flourish in new ways as a result of new waves of creative energy emerging in my being. I invite myself to connect to this deep seated creativity on a daily basis. It’s time to move the bullshit out of the way and feel my soul explode into the truest expression of myself that the Universe intended.
2. Macchu Picchu: To immerse myself in a sacred vortex of energy… to walk and process all the emotions that were released at ISTA. I invite my soul to experience the vast and sheer beauty of Mother Nature, to move my body and feel the physical release of emotions and energy as my being renews itself before returning home.
With that, I encourage you…
If there is something you want to do – DO IT. DO NOT HOLD BACK. What does your soul want? What is your inner voice saying? Are you listening? If you suppress this you are breeding more guilt, shame and fear in your being.
When you start listening and truly honoring your heart’s desire, you will see that everything falls into alignment naturally, seemlessly. Opportunities start coming out of the woodwork. Beautiful new relationships emerge.
Is there something you feel called to do? Are you denying this? Get curious about these things. Take out your journal. Write. Get quiet and really listen and feel what your body and soul want.
Thank you so much for reading and listening. Drop a comment below if you feel called to, and feel free to ask me any questions! When we are vulnerable and share with each other, magical things happen. The time is NOW to connect with yourself and your loved ones at a deeper level. Love is the only real truth there is.
Gratitude and good vibes,