Lifestyle, Love, Travel

Living Completely Out of Control

Nothing will throw you out of your normal routine like travel.

It will throw you off, make you question life, give you courage to change, and make you appreciate things you were taking for granted.

Integrating my Peru experience is definitely going to be a process. I’ve only been back one week and have noticed a whole new set of challenges arise. With a new perspective on virtually everything I see, how do I make sense of it all?

I’ve noticed some struggles come back around my relationship with food that I never thought I would see again. Comfort foods have been my favorite thing lately and I can see them on my body in the form of a few extra pounds… especially on my belly, which I used to absolutely hate. But maybe this is a healthier weight for me? Or maybe I’m just emotionally eating to handle all the feelings I currently have about shaking up my routine and falling in love with my best friend who is now suddenly gone continuing his travels around the world?

You can spend hours preparing yourself for something, but it’s true you just don’t know how you’re really going to feel until it happens.

The one thing I do know is that I am navigating my way to a new balance… a new routine where I have vowed to put myself first more. Before Peru I was in a flow of work, work, work… for everyone else. I realize now I wasn’t putting enough energy into my own businesses and my own dreams. So I have carved out time in my schedule to do this going forward. I told my limiting beliefs to kindly Fuck Off and I’ve gotten clear on what I really want.

I was reminded that I am the only one who can make ME happy. And I’m all about it. I seriously freaking love it. I love myself so much. I know what I’m doing, where I want to go and how to take care of myself. And I’m excited about what I’m currently creating… planting some incredible new seeds in this freshly tilled soil.

But I am still a human being and I fucking miss my best friend like crazy.

I want to keep co-creating with him, I want to love him, feel him. I wish he was here right now. Since we parted ways that hasn’t gone away. And it’s okay. I feel him in everything I do and it’s beautiful. He has taught me so much and helped shift my perspective on life. What greater gift can a person give?

It’s natural for humans to want to come together and co-create. When we find those special relationships that are seemless and easy… when the dance between two people is so beautiful… it makes us want to hang on even more. And it’s okay. Because the only way I know how to love is with my whole heart… and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So I let him go, I let him be free, to spread his wings… to explore, to expand, and to live as fully and authentically as he possibly can. Because I do love him deeply and want that for him. To live completely out of control. I know we will come back together if we are supposed to.

The difference now is that I have some new tools in my pocket to help me handle the emotions that arise daily.

I love myself more, I know how to take care of myself, and I have a new level of confidence in myself to achieve the things I want for my future. Knowing that is gold.

So I dance, I laugh, I cry, I remember. I scream into my pillow when I feel angry. I use all the tools of emotional release I possibly can to work with my emotional body. Because I’m tired of running away from it. I’m tired of numbing it. I FEEL. And I am grateful to feel on such a deep level. I am ALIVE! And what I really want is to continually peel back layers so that true love and creativity can flow through me from my core.

So, going forward my life is all about release and creation. Every. Single. Day.

My divine masculine and feminine energy are co-creating together within my magnificent being.

I blaze forward on this path. With an open heart I will stay vulnerable to whatever and whoever crosses my path. I am open to the lessons, the happiness, sadness, longing, confusion, pain, and joy that lies ahead.

I let go of control.

Because living out of control is the only way to live FREE.

My journey to South America was for a magical week long training: ISTA Level One, Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience.

The grounding energy of the mountains in Pisac was incredible and lended to a most transformative experience on all levels – body, mind and spirit. I cannot speak highly enough of ISTA (International School of Temple Arts) – I will cherish and use daily the tools I learned to greater expand love, freedom and power in my being and I am so grateful for the wonderful facilitators who helped me release tons of stored guilt, shame and fear in my being… because there is now new space for more love, new experiences, and a new perspective on life.

Our sexual energy is our life force energy, it is our creativity. When we learn how to work with this, we are able to step fully into our personal power, allow creativity to flow, and truly manifest the life we want.

Here is the video Brent & I compiled of our experience in Pisac, Peru at ISTA: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS0265i6bsI&t=23s

 

Love,
Loren

More info about ISTA trainings here: www.schooloftemplearts.org

Follow Brent on his travels by subscribing to his blog! www.brenthruska.com/blog

And make sure to subscribe to my blog for all the updates on my integration, more stories and vlogs coming soon… xo

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